


waiting for the front door to splinter

by bannanachan



Category: Homestuck, MS Paint Adventures
Genre: F/F, Gen, Post-Sgrub
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-05
Updated: 2014-01-05
Packaged: 2018-01-07 15:32:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,548
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1121534
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bannanachan/pseuds/bannanachan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Terezi Pyrope tries to be around people again, Vriska Serket tries to help, and neither of them does a very good job of it.</p><p>Mostly: in which Terezi and Vriska try not to lose each other again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	waiting for the front door to splinter

**Author's Note:**

  * For [schellibie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/schellibie/gifts).



The worst part is that it wasn’t even glorious. He didn’t die in a final act of self-sacrifice, remembering his feelings for Karkat and taking it all back to turn against his master in a magnificent last stand. He didn’t die still defending English in a blaze of insanity, you didn’t run up and take your revenge by stabbing him dramatically through the heart.

When Gamzee died, he just died. You didn’t kill him, Karkat didn’t kill him. You don’t even know who did, but when the dust cleared, there was his body, and that was that. It was cold and covered in sticky purple and it was a body, and that’s all there was to say about it. You left it on the ground as you stepped into the light while the game collapsed in on itself around you.

And for a long time, no one brings it up with you. Not Rose, not even Karkat. He’s dead and the game’s over and you have to move on somehow, all of you do. You were so busy trying to win the game and get out alive that you never thought of what you’d do afterwards. Now it’s over, you’re more lost than you are relieved, and no one else has their head on straight enough to talk you through it. Or maybe they just realize how stupid it would be of them to try.

Initially, you decide you’d rather live on your own. You’ve half forgotten how to be around people, and you know you need to figure some stuff out before you try again. Your friends are clearly concerned, but none of them are bold enough to tell you no.

Almost none of them.

Somewhere along the line you almost _forgot_ about Vriska. Which is funny, since it started with her in the first place. Not completely; you could never forget her completely. But with Gamzee and English and Latula, she was sort of out-of-sight, out-of-mind for a little while. When she got the ring and you finally saw her alive again, after all those years of wanting it so badly you ached, you didn’t even have anything to say besides “hi.”

You do not even have a clue where to start when it comes to Vriska. But Vriska was never so subtle. Two days after you win the game and return to Alternia, your Trollian is beeping with her handle.

arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling gallowsCallibrator [GC]

AG: heeeeeeeey Pyrope!  
AG: Wh8t’s up? Haven’t heard from you in a while!  
AG: Helloooooooo? Terezi?  
AG: Would you pl8ase t8lk to me?  
AG: I know you’re 8usy with your 8rooding like a wriggler...  
AG: 8ut I’m getting lonely here.  
AG: Are you still mad at me for the doomed timeline or something?  
AG: I wouldn’t 8lame you.  
AG: 8ut I’m sorry, okay?  
AG: Would you at least let me expl8in myself?  
AG: Hello?  
AG: Pyrope?  
AG: Come on!!!!!!!!  
AG: …

arachnidsGrip [AG] ceased trolling gallowsCallibrator [GC]

This interaction happens several times per night for the next four days. She opens up trollian, babbles at you, apologizes, waits for a response, then gets off. Then, a few hours later, she does it over again. Not once do you reply. You’re not sure how you would.

On the fifth day, there’s nothing. You’re shocked, and not sure if you’re pleased or distraught, but you decide to accept that maybe she doesn’t want to talk to you any more. Or maybe she just gave up. After all, if you wanted her to keep talking to you, you should probably have replied at least once. But maybe it’s for the best that you get used to being alone.

Then, on the sixth day, there is a knock at your door in the very, very early evening. You crawl out of your recuperacoon slowly and open the hatch, and it’s her.

“… Vriska?” You mutter, voice hoarse.

“No, the blue fairy. Let me in, Pyrope! It’s still bright out here.”

You stumble as she barges through the door, blinking at the light and shutting it quickly behind her. Eyes stunned from the lingering sunlight, it takes you a second to notice that she has a roll of stuff strapped to her back.

“Vriska.” You say cautiously. “What are you doing here this early?”

“What’s it look like, stupid? I’m moving in with you!”

“… What?”

Vriska sighs dramatically, shrugging her pack onto the floor. “Look, it wasn’t my idea, okay? But you ran off to your hive alone and everyone else got all worried. Oh no, Terezi’s depressed and she went off by herself, what if something happens, she won’t answer Vriska, what if she hung herself or something.” She gestures excessively in the air and then smirks, but she looks too nervous for the attempt at mockery to be effective. “I tried to explain to them that of course you’d never do something so lame but they insisted that I come check up on you! They said I should stay for a while to make sure you’re okay. Stupid, right? But they’re all gonna yell at me if I go back now, so I guess we’d better both get used to it. So, where can I put my stuff?”

You have never had trouble seeing when Vriska is lying. That was your title, after all. Guilt and time dulled it, but innate skills never go away totally. And Vriska is lying through her teeth right now. You don’t even have to be a Seer of Mind to tell; Vriska is lying to your face just to come stay at your house. You should be suspicious. You should be telling her no.

But now that you see her, you want her to stay so badly you nearly cry.

“Uh… yeah,” you say. “Let me show you. Here, I added an extra room onto the hive when we – you can stay in there.”

She tries, not successfully, to look unsurprised. “Oh! Uh, yeah. Awesome. Glad you upgraded your crib – I wouldn’t want to have to deal with your stupid kid mess all over. I mean, couldn’t you at least clean up the chalk? After all, now you can’t even – uh. Draw that well. Really, you should just give up on it.”

She’s really not as smooth as she thinks she is.

God, you missed her so much.

“Well, can you do any better, miss blueberry?” you tease.

Her face lights up, and it occurs to you that she’s probably been wanting this back as much as you do. “Well, yeah, obviously. Just let me get my stuff moved in and then we’ll have a full on competition going on. Your game is waaaaaaaay too weak for me, though, I’m telling you.”

“Oh, you’re on, Serket.” You say, and as easy as can be, you’re smiling back.

***

You get online again later that evening and see Sollux’s name pop up on Trollian. It occurs to you that it might be good to leave some notice, considering that even if Vriska was lying, there probably are a few others besides her who have been concerned.

gallowsCallibrator [GC] began trolling twinArmageddons [TA]

TA: look ii don’t know what vk told you but none of thii2 wa2 our iidea  
TA: we diidnt a2k her two do anythiing 2he wa2 the one freakiing out when you diidnt reply  
TA: not that ii dont care but you clearly needed 2ome 2pace  
TA: ii diidnt want two iintrude  
GC: WOULD YOU CUT TH4T OUT  
GC: SOLLUX YOU R34LLY DONT N33D TO 3XP41N YOURS3LF TO M3  
GC: W3R3 4LL N3CK D33P 1N SH1TTY F33L1NGS  
GC: 1M NOT GONN4 B3 OFF3ND3D 1F YOU 1N P4RT1CUL4R DON’T W4NN4 T4LK TO SOM3ON3 W1TH 3V3N WORS3 SH1TTY F33L1NGS TH4N YOURS  
GC: JUST GO B3 H4PPY W1TH YOUR NOT-D34D M4T3SPR1T OR WH4T3V3R  
GC: 1 JUST W4NT3D TO L3T 3V3RYON3 KNOW TH4T 1M F1N3 H3R3 SP1D3RB1TCH 4ND 4LL 4ND TO NOT WORRY 4BOUT 1T  
GC: OK4Y?  
TA: who 2aiid anythiing about your feeling2 beiing 2hiity  
TA: tz come on dont be like that  
GC: WOULD YOU STOP OV3RR34ACT1NG  
GC: 1M NOT B31NG L1K3 4NYTH1NG  
TA: fiine  
TA: just dont talk two me liike that okay  
TA: 2ure aa and ii are happy now but that doesnt mean ii dont care  
GC: 1 N3V3R S4Y YOU D1DNT BUT SUR3  
GC: 4NYW4Y JUST R3L4Y TH3 N3WS FOR ME WOULD YOU?  
GC: 1M F33LING 4 L1TTL3 B3TT3R NOW TH4T SH3S H3R3 BUT  
GC: 1 DON’T R34LLY F33L UP TO DO1NG 1T MYS3LF  
TA: fiine  
TA: ju2t be careful  
TA: ii know 2hes your friiend and that youve gone through a lot of crap for her  
TA: but ii dont trust her  
GC: 1 KNOW  
GC: HON3STLY 1M NOT SUR3 1 DO 31TH3R 4ND 1 KNOW FOR C3RT41N TH4T 1 SHOULDNT  
GC: BUT 1 PROM1S3 1 C4N H4NDL3 MYS3LF  
TA: ok  
TA: ju2t call me iif you need anything  
TA: or iif 2he triie2 two kiill you in your 2leep  
GC: 1 W1LL

galllowsCallibrator [GC] ceased trolling twinArmageddons [TA]

You lean back from your computer monitor and sigh. You knew she’d been lying, but didn’t quite realize how much. It wasn’t like Vriska to come up with such an intricate story to cover for herself, even at her worst – she really just wasn’t that clever. You’d figured there had to be some element of reality to it, but if what Sollux was saying was true, then was there? If not, where’d she get the idea from?

Did Vriska think you were suicidal?

You were never that bad, even at your worst. Depressed, yeah – you still were, but not suicidal. You’d thought about it, but it never seemed appealing. You hadn’t wanted to die, just to suffer. Maybe that’s not really better than being suicidal, but regardless, Vriska was talking like she’d expected to find you hanging dramatically surrounded by weeping scalemates.

And what did she care, anyway? What motive did she have to be so concerned with you that she’d trek alone across Alternia just to check in on you? Sure, you’d done poorly without her after you killed her, but you’d thought – what with the undead army and all – that she at least had managed to move on. You’re not sure if the idea that she didn’t after all makes you feel better or worse.

Before you can think further on this topic, Vriska bursts into the front room, opening her door with as much noise as possible. She beams at you. You look back skeptically.

“Well?”

“Well what, Vriska?”

“Aren’t we supposed to have a drawing contest?”

You snort. “You were serious about that?”

“I’m always serious! Jeez, Pyrope, you cluckbeasting out already? Come on, let’s see if those peepers have improved your talents at all!”

Her words force a rock down your gullet. You flinch, and she registers what she’s done wrong with a flinch of her own. You want to apologize, even though it’s not your fault.

“If you want to,” she says, glancing at her feet.

You don’t think you’ve ever seen Vriska look contrite before.

You make an attempt at smiling, and she cheers up a little. “Well, I can’t just say no to kicking your ass, now can I?” you ask.

Vriska laughs, and your smile widens to something a little more natural.

A few minutes later, the two of you are sitting side-by-side on the floor with a box of chalk and a small chalkboard each. Senator Lemonsnout sits on a crate between the two of you.

“House rules!” you declare. “Since this is, may I remind you, my house. Lemonsnout decides what we draw, we draw for two minutes, then the court determines the better argument - uh, drawing. Best three out of five is the champion. Lemonsnout also decides which drawing is better.”

“I call bullshit!” Vriska says. “Your judge is soooooooo not impartial, Terezi.”

“The court finds you to be in contempt! Lemonsnout subtracts five points from your score!”

“That’s not in the rules!”

“Minus ten!”

She groans. “Ugh. Fine, we’ll do it your way. But I’m going to impress you with my artistic prowess _so badly_ that you’ll have no choice to admit defeat or risk tarnishing your honor as a legislacerator, I’m telling you.”

“I’m not a legislacerator!” you say. “But fair enough. Now, on your marks… go! Lemonsnout says we’re drawing dragons!”

You both set to scribbling. She keeps talking to you as she picks up her chalk.

“It’s always dragons with you,” she says. “Why don’t you expand your repertoire a little? I guarantee a fair contest if the Senator chooses spiders next round. Isn’t that what you’re looking for?”

“Don’t make me find you in contempt again, defendant,” you say. Just this once, slipping back into old habits is feeling easy.

“Jeez! That’s what I get for making a friendly suggestion, I guess. Although, I mean, I’m gonna beat you anyway.”

“So full of yourself for someone with no practice,” you snark.

“Well, yeah, because I’m just the best. Of course. You’ve got nothing on me. You should probably just give up now! Can’t you do anything right, Terezi?”

Suddenly, you feel a pinch in your gut. Vriska continues on mindlessly.

“I mean, you think just because you have more practice you’ll do better? I’m better at seeing things than you. Maybe I’ve still just got the one eye compared to you, but at least I don’t sniff things like a freak –”

“Don’t call me a freak!”

Vriska stops mid-sentence and stares at you. Your chalk is broken in your hand and you realize you’re trembling, tears forming at the corners of your eyes. Suddenly, nothing feels like it used to at all.

“I’m not a freak, Vriska. I’m not. I might be worthless and I might be stupid and yeah, I can’t do anything right, I know it. I can’t draw, I can’t chat, I can’t even make up with you, after all that time when I wanted to so badly.” You fold up your arms and clench them, your nails scraping at your skin. “I don’t even know how to talk to you. I know that I’m awful, but I’m not a freak. I’m not here for you, you can’t do that to me. You can’t talk to me like that, I have my pride at least and – and you can’t do that to me. You can’t, Vriska!!!!!”

Vriska stands there, open-mouthed. You look down at your chalkboard, then at hers. She’s right; hers is better.

“Two minutes is up.” You say blankly. “Lemonsnout declares you victor of the round. Judge rules for the defendant, prosecution withdraws her case. I’ll be back by sunrise.”

You snatch up your scalemate and go for the door. Vriska scrambles to her feet. “Terezi! Wait, please! I didn’t mean – I wasn’t trying to – ”

“Leave it, Vriska.” You snap, and slam the door behind you.

The forest is different, now that you can see, rich colors and scents all buried too deep to smell under the immaculate detail of sight. You can know it this way – know exactly how the blossoms attach themselves to their branches, know the roots and how they sink themselves into the ground. You know so many things that you wish you could forget. You wish you could forget it all: Karkat, Sollux, Dave, Sgrub. Vriska. You wish you could just go back to normal.

But you look at the trees, and you know that you can’t.

You turn back to look at your hive. A dozen scalemates hanging slack from your branches. You feel them calling to you, trying to convince you that it’s okay after all, that you can always go back if you try hard enough. But you aren’t stupid enough to buy it, so you look at their nooses instead, and wonder what it’s like to hang from one of them.

Where did that come from, anyway? You thought, foolishly, that you were done with him. He was dead, wasn’t he? What good did it do you to piss off your friends for a dead man? How awful were you that you’d do that?

“ _Terezi!_ ”

You look down and blink. In the distance, Vriska is running towards you from the hive at top speed, pushing foliage aside with her arms and flinching when they scrape her skin.

Your heart pounds, and you walk quickly off in the other direction. “Please don’t talk to me, Vriska. I told you I’ll be back, just – just let me be alone.”

“I – can’t!” she cries. “I told you – I didn’t come here – because I wanted to! But our friends think you want to kill yourself, and I know you wouldn’t, but… I’m not gonna let you anyway!”

“I talked to Sollux, Vriska.” You say, not turning around. “I know that was a lie. I know that it was you! But I’m not going to kill myself, so you can just leave me alone!”

“No!”

You turn around and look her dead in the eye. She stops running and pants, looking directly back at you.

“Why?!” You ask.

“Because I don’t want to be alone!” She shouts.

You’re taken aback. She looks at her feet.

“Because… because you don’t get to act like you’re the first girl in the world to come up with the idea of hating yourself, okay?” She looks up at you awkwardly, still trying to avoid eye contact. “What, did you think I was enjoying this? Taking responsibility for genocide? Having my ancestor steal a chance at life from me and then almost get you killed? Yeah, that was definitely part of the plan all along. Jegus, Terezi, I know you’re depressed, but you can’t just leave me, okay?”

You take two breaths. It doesn’t do much to calm you down.

“I’m not going to leave you, Vriska.” You say, as level as you can. She groans.

“Then don’t fucking mouth off to me about suicide! Don’t act like everything’s fine and then run off into the forest, don’t pretend that I don’t know what I’m talking about. Just because I wasn’t there doesn’t mean I don’t know what I’m talking about.”

You smirk, too angry to let it slide. “No it doesn’t, but you weren’t there, were you?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“All I’m saying is that you left first, Vriska.”

She screams, a wild sound that makes birds take off from the trees. “Fine! If you’re still pissed about that, I won’t blame you, but don’t pretend you’re not when you are. I’m sick of us lying to each other. Where did that ever get us? Are we really just… after all this time, can we really only scream at each other and lie?”

By the time she finishes talking, Vriska isn’t yelling, and small tears drip slowly from her one good eye. You still do not know what to tell her.

“… We can’t change anything that easily, you know,” you say. “We can play house all you want, Vriska, but nothing’s changed because you said you were sorry and meant it this time. You can’t take back what you did to me, even if it wasn’t your fault. If you still think that enough words will get you anywhere, I don’t know what to tell you.”

“I don’t,” she says still sniffling. “Do you think I’m stupid? I grew up a little bit, at least. I know I can’t make up for it by being your bodyguard, and I don’t know why any of you would ever forgive me. But I can’t just fucking stand here while you drive yourself into the ground because of that asshole. I still care about you, okay? So you can call me what you want, you can yell at me and hate me and can lie to me, but I’m not gonna let you kick me out.”

“… I don’t hate you, Vriska.”

She bows her head and folds up her arms like she’s trying to get smaller. “Please, don’t leave me.” She says, mostly to the ground. “I need you. Don’t leave me.”

“It won’t be the same as it was before,” you say. “I’m not going to let you treat me like that. I’m never letting anyone do that again. You can’t expect me to spar with you all the time, and you can’t freak out when I get quiet or walk off into the woods. I’m not gonna snap out of this, even if I’m getting better.”

“Okay,” she replies. “Fine. I’ll do whatever. Just don’t fucking leave me.”

You smile weakly, walk to her and take her hand. “I won’t. I promise, Vriska. I won’t leave you.”

She doesn’t let go of your hand the whole walk back to your hive.

***

“You’re _what?!_ ”

You hold your phone a foot out from your ear, flinching, before bringing it back to your face. “I’m living with Vriska,” you say. “Didn’t Sollux tell you already?”

“Oh, he did, I just wanted to hear it from you. What the fuck, Terezi? What do you think you’re doing letting her in your hive? She’s out of her goddamn mind! Why are you trusting her, I know you’re not doing great but I didn’t know your thinkpan was so rusted you could use it to grate cheese!”

You roll your eyes. “Would you relax for one fucking second, stupid? I know you think she’s dangerous and – I guess you’re probably right – but it’s not like I can’t handle it. I’ve been handling it for several sweeps now, Karkat.”

“Yeah, well, obviously. I mean I know that you're the queen of the badasses and I am utter trash not worth to lick the ground that your gang of badasses has walked upon but even from a worms eye view I can see that you might not actually be up for this after-"”

His voice cuts off suddenly and you feel your heart twitch. One day, you and Karkat Vantas are going to have a very long talk about everything. Just not today.

“I’m up for it.” You reply sharply. “All right? This is a courtesy call, not an invitation for you to tell me what I’m capable of. If I need your help, or Sollux’s help, or anyone’s goddamn help, I will call. Until then, leave me alone. Got it?”

“… Fine. Just don’t get killed.”

“She’s not that bad, you know.”

“Yeah, fuck that. I’ll talk to you later.”

He hangs up before you can continue. You scowl at your phone. You understand your friends’ misgivings, but this is just ridiculous.

“They don’t want me to live alone, and they don’t want her living here either.” You mutter. “What, do they just not want me to have what I want?”

“Nah. They just want you to be okay.”

You jump a little bit when you notice Vriska leaning in her doorway, hair tossed casually over her shoulder. You think it’s going to be a while before you really remember what having people around is like.

You sigh. “Yeah, well, he could at least be less prickish about it.”

“What, you’re bothered by how he was talking about me? I already told you, I’m not expecting anyone to forgive me.”

You laugh. “Please. Like I care.”

“Then what is it?”

You shrug. “I’m just wondering what good they think it’s gonna do to keep beating around the bush. Everyone knows what happened. It wasn’t the most subtle mental breakdown. What, do they think I’ll feel better if they just don’t name names?”

“Dunno,” she says. “I mean – not to be picky, Terezi, but you haven’t been very transparent about your feelings for someone who had a public mental breakdown.”

“Yeah, well, maybe I’d be a little clearer if I knew how I even felt. It’s none of their business anyway. Or yours, frankly.”

“Bullshit.” Vriska declares. “Pretty sure you not throwing yourself off a cliff is everyone’s business.”

“I told you I’m not planning to kill myself.”

“And I believe you! But I’m also pretty sure you’ve proved by now that you’ve got way more creative ways to hate yourself than that.”

“Ouch!”

“Yeah, but I’m right.”

You look at your feet. She waits in the doorway patiently.

“… It’s not like I’m still that bad, okay?” you say. “I don’t hate myself. I think. Maybe. Even if I do, it… at least I’m trying not to. I haven’t touched a Faygo in perigees now. I wish they’d just get off my case.”

Vriska sighs. “Sorry, Terezi.”

You shrug. “You’ve got nothing to be sorry for.”

“Well, okay, that’s just false on several levels,” she responds. “But chief among them is that I’ve been beating around the bush just as much as any of them, and you know it. It’s nice of you to act like you don’t, but it’s also pretty stupid. I can’t exactly help you if I pretend there isn’t a problem.”

“You can’t help me either way, but thanks for trying.”

“Jegus. What are you, Sollux? If you’re not gonna kick me out, at least give me a shot.”

“I’m not gonna kick you out. But I think you’re going overboard with this.”

“And I think you’re an idiot. What, did you think if you went off by yourself you’d be able to fix it? You thought you would isolate yourself from people again in order to remember how to have friends?”

“No! I just…”

“You what?”

“I didn’t want to be a bother. Okay? Let’s be real, Vriska, I’m kind of a downer. At least you weren’t there. You don’t have to feel guilty for not saving me.”

She scoffs, but it’s more hurt than mockery. “Oh, yeah, no. No problem, no guilt here. I just have to remember that I was the one who caused it in the first place, is all. It’s a goddamn picnic, knowing you caused your best friend to go off the rails.”

You’re taken aback, but not deterred. “I didn’t – you didn’t cause anything, don’t guilt trip yourself like that.”

“Did I not?” she asks. “Really? Because I seem to recall that I was the one who flew off. Pretty sure you were reminding me of the same just a few days ago.”

“Yeah. But I was still the one who killed you. Don’t try to tell me that I wasn’t, Vriska, I was there. I had your blood on my hands – I remember it.”

She tightens her fists in front of her like she wants to scream, but all that comes out is a muffled little screech. “I can’t… _believe_ … you’re still spouting that,” she says. “Do you think I don’t remember it too? I was about to get you all killed. I was about to let our whole fucking race get exterminated once and for all, I would have ruined the game, I would have ruined Alternia. You didn’t have a choice.”

“We always have a choice. If Sgrub taught me anything, it’s that. Don’t try to tell me that I had no choice. Maybe it was the right one, but that doesn’t mean I can’t feel guilty about it.”

Vriska opens her mouth to retaliate, then closes it. After a moment, she speaks again. “Fine. You wanna feel guilty, feel guilty – I’m not gonna try and stop you. I think you’re stupid, because you were just protecting yourself, and it obviously didn’t even matter in the end because hey, not dead, but I know I can’t stop you. But if that’s the case, then I get to be guilty too. For flying off, and especially for not being there for you. I may not have had a choice, but I can feel guilty about it all I want. I wasn’t even thinking of you, I was so busy with my army. All that time when he was hurting you, and I wasn’t even thinking about you. I wish he wasn’t dead, just so I could throttle the bastard.”

You look at her blankly for a second, then laugh. She bristles, crossing her arms in front of her chest. “What’s so funny?”

“Nothing,” you say. “I guess I just didn’t realize that it bothered you.”

“I already told you I still care about you. Of course it bothers me.”

“No, not about that. About Gamzee. I mean, no offense, but I don’t think you would have gotten very far with him even if you had been there.”

“Who said anything about talking? Or do you think I couldn’t find him? I don’t give a fuck about his stupid pale bodyguard, I’d have been on him in a second if I could have been there.”

“Flirting with my dead black paramour? How scandalous of you.”

She stiffens, and you realize you’ve said something wrong again just as soon as you say it.

“Don’t – don’t joke about that.” She says, as slowly and calmly as she can. “Okay? It’s not a fucking joke. He screwed you up, and it’s not a joke. I don’t know what the hell was going on between you two, and I don’t think I want to, so I understand and I’m not gonna blame you if you decide that you can’t hate him for some reason, if you actually somehow miss him I can’t stop you. But don’t joke. Just because I wasn’t there doesn’t mean I don’t know exactly what he did. I can see it on your face every time I look at you even now, and it kills me because there’s nothing I can do about it.”

You take a long look at Vriska, her hunched up posture and the blue chips of paint where her fingernails are dug into her palms. You look at the taut muscles in her shoulders and the scar tissue where her arm connects to her shoulder, stretched out where it shouldn’t be from bolts that aren’t there any more. It’s hard to fathom the idea that this girl, trying so hard to stay calm when she speaks to you, is also the girl you knew those years ago, the girl with a hair-trigger and no filter, who always said sorry and never meant it once. You realize, abruptly, that she really isn’t that girl.

And wasn’t that right? You were older, and you’d done and seen so much. It’s not like you weren’t different, too. It’s not like you were expecting you’d be able to go back to old patterns and old relationships like it was nothing, like you hadn’t had a collective near-death experience and been mentally scarred beyond recognition. But you look at Vriska and you realize that you don’t even know where to start any more.

You laugh again, and you realize that you’re starting to sound like you’ve really lost it this time.

“I don’t know what I’m going to do, Vriska.” You say quietly.

“Yeah, well. Welcome to life.” She replies, but you see her fingers uncurl from their fists and you breathe a sigh of relief that you didn’t realize you were holding in.

The two of you spend the rest of that evening sitting on your couch watching slasher movies. You still don’t know what you’re doing, or what you’re going to, and you doubt Vriska does either. But for a few hours, everything from Karkat to Gamzee to Lord English to Latula leaves your head in favor of gallons of blood and Vriska’s hand in yours.

***

You’re floating.

It’s dark around at first, and then bright. Incredibly bright, light shining and reflecting off every surface. Yet you’re not in pain, or afraid of it; just the opposite. Floating here, you feel safe and secure. Surrounded by golden towers under Skaia’s guiding light, you are more at peace than you can recall ever having felt.

How long is it since you’ve been here? Sweeps? You seem to recall it being a long time. Yet at the same time, you feel now as if you never left. You know these streets and precipices like the back of your hand, like your hive, like how you learned how to walk by feeling before you learned to see with your nose. You belong among these spires; it was your destiny to come, and so of course, it’s your destiny to return as well.

 _Return to what?_ A voice asks, faint at the back of your head. _Prospit’s a fantasy, Pyrope. It’s gone, just like everything else. Come back. Please._

You frown and ignore the voice, continuing on your way thoughtlessly. It’s so wonderful to fly, to be the divine princess of a shining kingdom. Why would you want to leave?

_Please, Terezi. Don’t do this. Terezi. Terezi!_

You decide the voice is annoying. You cut it out of your mind completely, and welcome the glorious silence of an empty empire.

You pass the corner of a building and find yourself in a town square. The streets are deserted here. No one to watch you. No one to stop you.

You take a deep breath and look up.

The sun is vivid, painless, and overwhelming. You spread your arms and grin as your vision begins to black out.

“Terezi!”

A thud, and then pain: pain so bright and fierce that you can’t think, that your vision blots out completely. You can’t bear it and you can feel yourself beginning to pass out but a hand grabs your head and pulls your hair back hard and you can’t fall asleep. It hurts so much, and you cry, hands grasping desperately out in front of you for something, needing anything solid to hold on to.

You feel something cold and wet and thick press onto your eyes. The pain subsides slightly, and you pass out cold.

***

You wake up in your recuperacoon and your whole body hurts. Mostly, your head: a dull throb that starts at your temples and pulses back through your pan like a drum beat, rolling into your skull and all the way down your spine. Your legs feel like you took a twenty-mile hike, and your skin is too tight. It feels like your ribs knotted themselves together and when you take a breath your lungs are sore.

You hear a voice before you can open your eyes, faded as if through layers of cotton.

“Look, don’t blame me, okay, asshole? Just because I couldn’t stop her… What do you mean it’s not like there wouldn’t be precedent? No, no, I wanna hear you say it. Come on. What am I saying? I’m saying that if you think I did it, you should say it up front. Well, don’t you? That’s what you were implying, isn’t it?... Fuck off. Yeah, you heard me right. Fuck off, I didn’t fucking call you to get a lecture on… I would never hurt her, do you hear me?! Never, I would never do that to her, not again… Fine. Whatever, I don’t care, just - no. I don’t know! I barely even managed to – oh, shit, hold on, I think she’s coming around.”

There’s a beep and a click, and then footsteps approaching you.

“Hey. Terezi. Can you hear me?”

You murmur vaguely in ascent, not quite capable of words.

“Terezi. Can you open your eyes?”

Not wanting to, you drearily obey the suggestion and open your eyes, then immediately shut them again, crying out in pain. It’s too bright.

“Terezi. Terezi! Please, come on. Open your eyes for me. Please.”

You feel a hand reach into your recuperacoon and grab your own. Flinching, you open your eyes to a burst of color and movement. Two seconds glance and you feel like you’re going to be sick, but you squeeze the hand and you aren’t, steadying yourself by the grasping. After what feels like forever, things stop moving enough for you to make out Vriska. Or the shape of Vriska, at least: your sight is too blurry to make it out clearly, and it’s dark at the edges.

“Can you see me?” she asks.

You nod, eyes still narrow.

She sighs, and you feel tension release from her hand. “Thank God. I was worried that – that you…”

“That I wha-”

And before you can finish it all comes back to you, the golden towers that weren’t really there and the forest, Vriska grabbing your hair and tossing you to the ground and then the sun –

And suddenly, you are both silent.

“… Why did you stop me?” You ask, voice hoarse.

You feel her grip tighten on your hand again. She’s crying.

“Don’t you dare,” she whispers. “Don’t you – don’t you _dare_ say that to me! Not when I was the one who did it. Not now, not here, not ever, do you hear me! You’re not allowed! I know you’re not okay and I know that I can’t help and I know that it’s not easy but I won’t let you do this. Please, Terezi, you have no idea –”

She breaks off mid-sentence. You wait and listen as she takes a deep breath. You can feel her hand trembling in yours and you try to squeeze it, but you can’t manage enough pressure for her to feel it.

“… Please don’t do this to yourself,” she says. “Believe me when I say that I know what it feels like to hate yourself, and I also know that the follow through isn’t worth it. Not like this. He’s not worth it, Terezi – he was careless and vile and… and he was a total douche, all right! He was never worth any of it. If you’re gonna blind yourself, at least don’t do it over him. I wasn’t there and I know I don’t know what it was like, but I do know that he was worthless. He doesn’t deserve your resentment, he doesn’t deserve your grief, and he sure as hell doesn’t deserve you mutilating yourself – and I don’t either. I don’t deserve jack shit. So whatever’s going on in your pan – it’s not worth it. You aren’t worth it.”

You close your eyes. You realize you’re crying.

“I’m sorry,” you whisper.

You feel her hand shift out of yours and join her other to rest on your chin. She pulls her face to yours and kisses you so gently, tears dripping down both your faces and diluting the slime with puddles of teal blue.

She stays there and pets your hair for you don’t know how long before you finally fade into sleep. Your head and skin and chest still hurt so badly that you find yourself starting to wish that you could just stay asleep forever this time. But you feel Vriska’s fingertips stroking your brow, and you think better of it.

***

When you wake up again, the hurt in your pan is gone. Your limbs no longer feel heavy, and you can breathe easily once more. But your vision is still blurry.

“How many fingers am I holding up?” Vriska asks you.

You groan. “You’re holding up Liaison Pumpkinsnuffle. I wasn’t that blind even when I was blind, stupid.”

“… What are you going to do?”

For a long moment, you don’t reply.

“I could call Kanaya.” She says, talking too quickly. “I’m sure she could ask Rose if she knows anything that would help. Maybe she wrote something about Aranea in that book somewhere, we could –”

“We’re not going to do anything.” You say.

She stops. You stop a moment, biting your lip.

“We’re not going to do anything,” you repeat. “I’m fine, like this. Even if I didn’t – even if it was all wrong, I can’t turn back any more. I think it’s pretty clear by now that trying to do that isn’t the best idea for me, and I don’t think I want to anyway. It’s not that different from what I used to see, just… real colors this time, instead of smells. I’d say I got what I wanted, but… I probably shouldn’t say that, should I?”

“Terezi –”

“I’ll make do.” You say, and you try your very hardest to look right at her, which apparently works okay because she does shut up. “Don’t worry about me, Vriska. I know I fucked up, and I’m sorry, but I’ll make it up to you – and to me. Try not to feel to bad about it, okay?”

“…What are we going to tell the others?” She asks cautiously.

“The truth, I guess,” you say. “Do we have any other option?”

“No,” she says. “But what if they don’t believe you? I don’t think I can stand hearing them blame me this time, Terezi. I know I’ve fucked up too much to ask for anyone’s forgiveness, and I won’t. But I wouldn’t have… not again. Not to you.”

“I’ll berate them myself if they even try.” You insist, smiling thinly. “Your feelings aside, there’s no fucking way I’m letting anyone else take the blame for this.”

She nods – or you think that’s a nod – and hands you a phone.

You call Karkat first. As soon as you tell him what happened, he hangs up.

***

It takes longer to get used to being blind this time around, even though you’re not as blind. But your lusus is dead and though you’d planned to ask Sollux to teach you (as backwards as that might have been) he won’t talk to you after you yelled at him for accusing Vriska of blinding you. You’ll admit the accusation wasn’t groundless, but you’re too pissed right now to play nice, even if it’s not really him you’re pissed at.

For the first couple days, Vriska barely leaves your side, and leaves your hive only once to bring back food. You tell her that you’re not an invalid, and she agrees every time you say it, but doesn’t stop fussing. You realize quickly that it’s more for her sake than for yours, so you let it slide.

On the third day, Karkat calls. You’re well enough to be up now, but you ask her to answer it anyway.

“He wants to apologize.” She says, holding her hand over the receiver. “And to relay Sollux’s apology – apparently Captor’s too depressed to do it himself.”

You hesitate. You know you should listen, for him and Sollux and for you too – he’ll probably kill himself worrying if he doesn’t get the chance to talk to you. But you are so tired of talking right now, of having conversations that never get you anywhere no matter how long they last. You miss him like crazy, in the moments when you’re honest with yourself, but you’re so tired of talking, and you’re scared.

But you’re tired of being scared, too.

“… Give me the phone.” You ask, holding out your hand.

Vriska makes a face that says she’s worried, but complies. Hand trembling, you put the receiver to your ear.

“Hey Karkat.” You say quietly.

“… Terezi? Is that really you?”

“Yes, Karkat. It’s really me.”

“Oh, thank God. I thought Serket wouldn’t – look, never mind, fuck that. Terezi, I’m so sorry about the other day. I am an actual sack of hoofbeast shit and I don’t deserve to call myself your friend or your leader. It was fucking awful of me and I know I can’t make it up to you but I hope you can forgive me, even if I am the worst troll to ever walk Alternia and then some.”

You almost laugh. It’s been a very long time since you heard him go off like that, and it feels somehow comforting.

“Your apology is accepted, Vantas,” you say. “I understand that it… probably wasn’t easy news to hear. Tell Sollux that his is too, for whatever it’s worth. And that I’m still up for blind person lessons if he is.”

“… Yeah. I will.”

He pauses for another long minute, and you don’t know what to say.

“… What are you going to do now?” he asks.

You frown. “Well, I already told you I’m not going to try to change it –”

“No,” he says, “I mean – what are you going to do, in general. I’d really like to see you again, Terezi. Sollux too – we all would.”

He pauses again. You don’t try to fill it.

“Do you think that could happen?”

“… It will, Karkat. Just don’t rush me on this. Okay?”

“Promise me. Just… promise you won’t leave us.”

You wonder where they all think you’re planning to go.

“I promise,” you say.

“… Thank you.”

“Yeah. I’ll… I’ll talk to you later, Karkat.”

“Okay. Bye, Terezi.

“Bye, Karkat.”

You hand the phone back to Vriska. You hear her mutter a few more words to him under her breath before she flips it shut.

“Can I ask you something?” you say.

“Uh… yeah.”

“Did you really think I was going to kill myself?”

She stops short. You wait, not very patiently.

“Not… exactly.”

“What’s exactly?”

She sighs, turning away from you and crossing her arms. “I didn’t… I didn’t know what you were going to do, all right? I just knew you were depressed and you weren’t answering my messages and I thought that maybe… I dunno. It didn’t seem like you, really – I wasn’t lying when I said that I thought you would never do that. But I felt like I couldn’t risk it. I didn’t know what was going on with you, I didn’t know what you’d really be capable of. I just thought… it felt like I was losing you.”

You think for a minute.

“Please say something, Pyrope.”

You sigh. “I just still don’t understand why I’m such a big deal all of a sudden. You and Karkat and everyone pestering me like you think I’m just going to disappear one day! What am I, a mirage?”

She laughs, but quiets suddenly like she didn’t mean to do it out loud. “I – no. It wasn’t like that, just – I dunno, Terezi, even if you weren’t gonna kill yourself, it was pretty clear you were going someplace I wouldn’t be able to reach you.”

“You could have tried picking up the phone! I didn’t move my hive or anything!”

“Don’t pretend you don’t know what I mean.”

You scowl. “Yeah. I guess I do. But I don’t get why it’s suddenly such a concern when it comes to me. Let’s be honest, Vriska, our lives have been shit across the board. I’m not the first troll to think of running away from my feelings, and I’m definitely not the first to think of hating myself. No one gave a shit when Eridan was slowly going apeshit, or when you were, but no one’s breathing down your neck now that we’re back here! Why’s it different when I do it?”

It’s her turn to pause again, and you’re so stressed and anxious you’re about ready to start shouting when she finally speaks up.

“Because with you it’s different.” She says. “Because people actually give a shit about you, first of all, which yeah, can’t blame them for not pointing any of that in my direction, let alone fucking Eridan’s. Because I can’t speak for Karkat and Kanaya, but I sure as hell didn’t see it coming, and because they didn’t do anything once it did. Because their not doing anything almost killed you. Because we all worked tooth and fucking nail to make God hand over a second chance and then we used it to start ignoring you again, and it happened because we were too ashamed of ourselves for trying too late to try at all. Because you really didn’t suck, Terezi, and sometimes you were the only one who was smiling. And we let him ruin you.”

You blink, and then you start cackling. Not laughing, cackling, cackling like you used to, like you haven’t done in sweeps. Vriska is taken aback.

“Are you really still being so dense?” You ask. “Is that really what’s going on here? You all feel guilty so you won’t leave me alone – that’s what the fuss is about? Because if that’s the case, let’s put one thing to rest right here and now. What happened to me after you died is no one’s fault but my own and Gamzee’s. That is absolutely it, and since he paid for it by being dead, we can pretty safely call it mine now. If the rest of you have to take responsibility for your bullshit, so do I. So if that’s what it comes down to, then do me a favor and tell them to cut the crap. It’s exhausting enough blaming ourselves for the shit that’s actually our fault, don’t you think?”

“You can’t just do it all by yourself, Terezi. That’s not right either.” Vriska replies, quick and clearly angry.

“Then neither can you. I’m happier than anyone that you’ve actually decided to own up to what you did but you don’t get to stand around and act like you’re the only one with permission to feel guilty. Just because I did it to myself doesn’t make it any better. Isn’t that what having self-worth is supposed to mean?”

Vriska, who had looked like she intended to retort as soon as you started talking, stops. She looks at the ground. You realize you are crying. On the old Alternia, you might have gotten culled for crying this much, and she probably would have been the one to do it. But even you can see a blue streak falling down the side of her face, too.

“I’m sorry.” She says.

“Stop.” You say. “Stop. Just stop. We’ve all heard sorry from you more than enough times for one lifetime, even for two, so just stop. I know you’re sorry, and I know you mean it, and you know that I forgive you, so stop.”

She chuckles almost, though it comes out more like a sob. “Yeah. You’re right. I just… I’m used to saying it, I guess.”

You can’t see very well, but in that moment, Vriska, who has spent the last two weeks trying to keep you from leaving, looks like she wants to disappear. And you know, all of a sudden, that you can’t let her, that you love her, that you couldn’t live with that, not again and not ever.

And you get it. You get the fuss and the worry and the guilt. You get the apologizing and begging and the fear, because that’s what it is, isn’t it? They’re scared for you. They love you, and you tried to leave them forever. And you’re scared too. You’re so scared that you’re frozen, so scared you can’t say it, because you’re weak, and you don’t think you can do this, but you don’t want to leave them.

You don’t want to leave. No matter how hard it gets. You want to be brave.

“I’m not leaving, Serket.” You say. “In any sense of the word. I know I’m not okay, and I don’t know if I ever will be, but I’m not going anywhere. Not any more. Not thanks to you. So don’t you, of all people, tell me you’re sorry.”

She looks up. You can’t see her expression, and for an instant, not knowing makes you so anxious you can barely breathe.

“Thank you, Terezi.”

You sniff and wipe your eyes. Your vision clears a little, and you see that she’s smiling.

**Author's Note:**

> Happy Ladystuck Shelby! And to all other participants as well. It was amazing to write for one of the people whose work was responsible for me getting involved in the fandom in the first place, and I hope you enjoy it (despite it being post-Sgrub and therefore not exactly canon compliant.)
> 
> For the prompt: _I really want to see fic about Terezi navigating relationships and possibly dating in the aftermath of her horrid relationship with Gamzee. She doesn't have to actually be dating anyone, (i'd prefer if she wasn't, and especially keep Karkat not involved)_
> 
> A huge thanks to [Aegisaglow](http://aegisaglow.tumblr.com/), [Otomatonom](http://otomatonom.tumblr.com/), [Pantslesswrock](http://pantslesswrock.tumblr.com/), and [Blooper-boy](http://blooper-boy.tumblr.com/) for betaing, especially to pantslesswrock for his help with Karkat (and for betaing for me from the damn hospital). Title is a lyric from "If you see light" by the Mountain Goats.


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